exorcising my demons

Exercise in semantics 47

2011-12-18T03:34:00.000+08:00

"Between the two of us, it will always be you who can walk away any time and leave unscathed. I will always be left wanting and hurting. I can't let you have that power over me."

"We are more alike than you think, then. I walk away precisely because you have power over me. It takes every ounce of my strength to pull back every time we get too close."

"No, we are not alike. I will gladly accept the hurt if I know at the end of the day you will share it with me. You, on the other hand, won't even take the next step to know how wonderful we can be together."

Exercise in semantics 46

2011-11-22T22:20:00.000+08:00

You surprised me. Now I am bothered. Part of me is itching to reply to you (failed in the Marshmallow test), but almost all of me is saying that there is no point. Ignore. Delete. Walk away. There is no sense in acknowledging his email. NO SENSE.

I wish I could tell my meta to shut it, but it keeps spouting rubbish that I want to reply to him. But out of all the things I want to say, "I miss you" is the one thing I am dying to say.

I hate you.

Exercise in semantics 45

2011-11-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

I finally had the courage to block you. Do I feel happy about it? No. But like what you said, "cut the part that hurts." So I am cutting you. Will power, please do not fail me.

I did not mean to like you. Seriously. I was caught off guard. Why did I mess the pretty nonsensical, platonic online friendship we had by liking you?

We were never friends, anyway. Shouldn't be hard to move on, right?

So, to you, goodbye.

Exercise in semantics 44

2011-10-16T20:50:00.000+08:00

Just because a boy is interesting to talk to online doesn't mean you should be putting your heart on the line. Do not be insane.

Weren't you in this kind of situation years ago?

And why am I even writing this down?

GO AWAY. SHOOOOO!

Exercise in semantics 43

2011-10-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it has to be said before it becomes clear. So, thank you...for saying it without being quite blunt. We are not friends. We never were. We can't be friends.

So this is my little tribute to someone I wanted to be friends with. I hope you find a friend that will bring you back from the dead, someone not me.

Exercise in semantics 42

2011-09-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

I cannot trust myself to be near you. Not because I still feel the same way, but mostly because I cannot fool myself into thinking I feel absolutely nothing for you.

I hate lying to myself.

Exercise in semantics 41

2011-08-23T21:27:00.002+08:00

Not everyone is worth the ache in your chest, the frown on your face, and the brimming tears in your eyes. Guard your heart.

Exercise in semantics 40

2011-08-11T21:48:00.002+08:00

Darating yung panahon na makakasalubong kita at magdadalwang isip ako kung babatiin kita. Pero ikaw na ang gagawa ng paraan, tatawagin ang pangalan ko at lalapit.

Ngingiti lang ako at magsasabi ng dahilan para makaalis agad. Baka kasi pag nakausap at natitigan kita, lahat ng ginawa ko para makalimutan ka mabalewala at magmaakwa ulit na mahalin ako.

~ July 7, 2011

Exercise in semantics 39

2011-08-11T21:44:00.005+08:00

Things you can't have are always infinitely appealing over those that you can.

Exercise in semantics 38

2011-07-02T14:37:00.002+08:00

Indifference is probably the worst emotion you can have towards a person. It is existing without acknowledging that person ever again.

Exercise in semantics 37

2011-06-26T21:38:00.002+08:00

I do not want to ask, "when will it be my turn? when will someone love me?" because in other aspects of my life I am blessed. So why isn't it enough? Why do I have this aching yearning to be loved romantically and passionately? Why can't this feeling go away?

Am I doomed to be alone and perpetually lonely?

Exercise in semantics 36

2011-05-11T18:37:00.000+08:00

20 years from now, I will still wonder what life could have been like if you gave me a chance. Would life be sweeter? better? bitter? We will never now.

Exercise in semantics 35

2011-04-25T20:55:00.002+08:00

At the end of the day, all I need is a warm, tight hug that tells me everything is gonna work out just fine.

Exercise in semantics 34

2011-04-25T20:47:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you need to cut off people from your life in order to move on and grow. There is no use in holding on to something that could be. If it was meant to work out in the first place, it would have. Stop extending the shelf life of an expired good.

Exercise in semantics 33

2009-07-05T02:29:00.001+08:00

Pero, kahit na jaded na ako, umaasa pa din ako na there’s such thing as love. Hindi fairytale love, napakaimpossible naman nun. Yung fairytale love kasi napakaidealistic at natatapos ang istorya nila pagnagtagpo na sila. Hindi napapakita kung anong nangyari para masabing “…and they lived happily ever after.” Yung in-between hindi naisulat kaya kaming mga babae, eto, bulag sa pagibig dahil ang iniisip namin, pag nakita mo na si Prince Charming (na haller, lahat na lang yata ng bidang babae sa fairytale eh nahuhumaling sa kanya) ayun na, the search is over, tapos na ang problema. Napakaimpossible. Yung problema magsisimula pa lang. Kaya yang “and they lived happily ever after” na yan eh napaka-misleading.

Exercise in semantics 32

2009-07-05T02:21:00.000+08:00

Ang sarap lumandi, yung may tamang kilig, yung may nagpapakilig sayo. Yun lang. Pwede bang hanggang dun na lang? Di naman ako nadedevelop basta sa ganyan. Siguro minsan, tatamaan ka na lang talaga sa tao pag hindi mo inaakala. O marahil, mahuhulog ang loob mo sa taong mage-effort ng sobra. Siguro nga. Di ko kasi maintindihan tong puso na to…magulo. Yung mga hindi ko pa natural na nagugustuhan ang nagugustuhan ko. Anak ng teteng di ba? Parang gusto kong dukutin ang puso ko at hampasin ng bag kong may bricks ng matauhan.

Exercise in semantics 31

2009-07-01T08:53:00.001+08:00

Ganito ba talaga pag nasawi sa pagibig, nagiging bitter? Parang lahat na lang na involve ang romantic love eh impossible, nakakagago, at hindi makatotohanan. Kasi nasawi ako kaya bitter ako. Sapat na ba yan na justification para pedeng jaded ang outlook ko sa pagibig? Sana.

Exercise in semantics 30

2009-06-28T19:21:00.000+08:00

Ang problema kasi pag umibig ka, naka-cloud ang judgement mo. Lahat nakikita mo sa isang rose-tinted glass. Nawawala yung pagiging objective, sensible, at logical. Pero sabi ng mga gago (oo na, bitter ako), hindi pag-ibig yun kung logical, sensible, at objective ka.

Exercise in semantics 29

2009-06-23T09:48:00.002+08:00

Minsan magigising ka na lang na tapos na, hindi na masakit, hindi ka na naluluha. Maaaring dahil lumagpas na ang araw ng pagdadalamhati or naging manhid ka na lang. Kahit ano pa man, salamat at dumating na ang araw na 'to. Ngayon maari ka ng humarap sa blankong papel at harapin ang mga demonyo mo.

Exercise in semantics 28

2009-06-22T10:39:00.001+08:00

If men are clothes you can try on, how many more do I have to try to find one that will fit?

Exercise in semantics 27

2009-06-14T22:46:00.001+08:00

What do you do when the Muses are trying to break free, but facing them is too much of an emotional torture?

Exercise in semantics 26

2009-06-07T21:58:00.001+08:00

Why do we listen to sad songs when we are already sad? Are we just masochistic by nature?

Exercise in semantics 25

2009-06-07T21:43:00.002+08:00

You are my connecting flight. To where, I don't know.

Exercise in semantics 24

2009-06-07T21:37:00.002+08:00

What do you do when you're left all alone, unaware of what happened? Do you sit back and wait for things to turn around? Or, do you aggressively chase it, hoping to get answers, even if they will hurt?

Exercise in semantics 23

2009-06-07T21:27:00.002+08:00

Silence wounds deeper than angry words.

Exercise in semantics 22

2009-05-19T01:27:00.000+08:00

...taking the plunge head first, eyes closed, heart open...if i get injured, i'll charge it to experience.

Exercise in semantics 21

2009-05-16T02:34:00.001+08:00

When you're floating, flying even, how do you get your feet back on the ground?

Exercise in semantics 20

2009-05-14T01:03:00.001+08:00

This feels like a whirlwind romance, SMS edition.

Exercise in semantics 19

2009-04-07T23:57:00.001+08:00

Everyone has their own double standards; it's just that nobody's brave enough to say them out loud.

Exercise in semantics 18

2009-04-06T00:41:00.002+08:00

I'd go to the ends of the world if it means being with you one more time.

Exercise in semantics 17

2009-04-02T05:23:00.000+08:00

Rejection becomes addicting. Before you know it, you're lying on the railroad tracks waiting for the train to blow you into pieces.

Exercise in semantics 16

2009-03-17T23:49:00.003+08:00

Hindi dahil binura na kita, nalimot na kita.
Hindi dahil tumatawa ako wala na ang sakit.
Hindi dahil naiisip kita habang sinusulat ko ito, mahal pa din kita.

Exercise in semantics 15

2009-03-10T09:30:00.000+08:00

...and suddenly there's light again. A sense of pride. A purpose. Waking up is fun again.

Exercise in semantics 14

2009-03-05T01:33:00.003+08:00

There are nights when it gets unbearable. I have no other recourse but to open the dam and let it flow, flow, flow.

Exercise in semantics 13

2009-03-04T13:56:00.002+08:00

Happiness is like the Moon: you know it's there, but you can never get close enough to hold it in your hand.

Exercise in semantics 12

2009-02-26T22:56:00.001+08:00

Mornings are the hardest. The sudden rush of realization that you're alone once again is overwhelming. You want to retrace your steps and be at that exact spot right before you lost him.

Exercise in semantics 11

2009-02-26T01:12:00.001+08:00

Making a choice is the easy part; Living each day, facing the consequences of your choice---that's the hardest thing to do.

Exercise in semantics 10

2009-02-24T00:07:00.001+08:00

Paikot-ikot ikot ikot ikot ikot ikot.
Nag-aantay.
Nagbabakasakali.

Inamag.

(wtf!)

Exercise in semantics 09

2009-02-22T23:58:00.002+08:00

What makes a woman number one? The One? Tell me. I am tired of being second best, of being number two.

For once, can't I be number one?

Exercise in semantics 08

2009-02-22T01:41:00.002+08:00

I cannot go back and unbreak my heart.

Exercise in semantics 07

2009-02-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

How do you know when to stop? I've seen him every single day for the past four years of my life. Is it really that easy to let him go?

Exercise in semantics 06

2009-02-19T02:32:00.003+08:00

Writing, like men, does not come easy to me. So I save every thought, every phrase, every paragraph that I produce. When it is lost, it almost feels like a breakup.

Exercise in semantics 05

2009-02-18T00:08:00.001+08:00

When you profess your love for me, there will be no grand gestures, no orchestra playing our favourite song together, no crowds surrounding us as we slowly walk towards each other. There will be just you and I, and the sunset bursting in various shades of yellow and red. You will wrap your arms around me and look me in the eye, tightening your grip as seconds fly by unnoticed.

"I love you."

And then the world will dissolve in a flurry of swirling colors, just like in the movies. Tears will form in my eyes and as they threaten to spill over, you will brush them away using your thumbs.
"Be happy with me, love."

I will smile and wrap you in my arms because I know you're real, standing in front of me, loving me.

(how's this for cheese? hahaha!)

Exercise in semantics 04

2009-02-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

When did I stop dancing to my own song?

Exercise in semantics 03

2009-02-16T19:38:00.002+08:00

Sex has a way of making you feel like you're in Heaven. But amidst the heady pleasures, you forgot that it can also make you feel like Hell.

Exercise in semantics 02

2009-02-16T13:50:00.000+08:00

Thinking of you is poison to my senses.

Exercise in semantics 01

2009-02-12T19:54:00.000+08:00

+ We lose our religion because we're too lazy to keep it.